my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
