I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
