he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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