i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
