I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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