It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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