Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
