What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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