omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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