I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
