I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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