talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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