wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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