:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
