I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
