I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
