So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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