I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
