I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
