I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
