i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if only i could text you this smell
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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