ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
