dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
