Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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