You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
