i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
