You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
