that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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