You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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