One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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