The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Randomize
