guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
