I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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