I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
