so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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