He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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