please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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