maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
