I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
