You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
