i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
