dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
this is an emotional support booty call
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