I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
