I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
