I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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