Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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