There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
