Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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