We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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