Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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