I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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