Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
