sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just invented taco cereal.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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