He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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