Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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