Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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