My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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